VAR Officials Now Just Shrugging Very Confidently, FIFA Confirms
The new protocol, called 'Vibes-Based Refereeing,' replaces 12 minutes of replay analysis with a single thoughtful head tilt.
ZURICH — Following years of mounting fan frustration, FIFA has announced a sweeping reform to its Video Assistant Referee system: from now on, officials will simply shrug, but with conviction.
'Studies show that 94% of football fans cannot tell the difference between a 12-minute offside review and a referee tilting his head and going *eh*,' said FIFA's Director of Vibes. 'So we're cutting out the middleman, which in this case is technology.'
Under the new system, controversial moments will be resolved by a panel of three officials performing what FIFA calls 'a synchronized shrug of moderate intensity.' If any shrug is judged 'unconvincing,' the goal is automatically awarded to whichever team has the better kit.
Early test runs in CONCACAF qualifiers were described as 'somehow less chaotic.' A spokesperson noted that one match was decided entirely by a referee raising a single eyebrow, which was later named *Eyebrow of the Match*.
Satire. The Pitch Onion is a fictional publication. No coaches, players, joggers, or Belgians were harmed in the writing of this article.