Messi Officially Named Honorary Captain of Every Team Simultaneously
Argentina, Mexico, Canada, and inexplicably Belgium have all confirmed the arrangement. Belgium declined to elaborate.
MIAMI — In a joint statement issued via group chat, all 48 participating nations confirmed that Lionel Messi will serve as honorary captain of their squads throughout the tournament — a decision FIFA called 'logistically baffling but emotionally correct.'
Messi, 38, will be required to wear 48 captain's armbands stacked on a single forearm, a request his trainer described as 'fine, he's used to carrying things.'
'It's an honor,' Messi said in a brief statement. 'Even Belgium. I don't know why Belgium. But yes.'
Cristiano Ronaldo, asked for comment, performed 47 sit-ups, glared at the camera, and walked off into a sunset that had been specifically requested by his PR team.
Satire. The Pitch Onion is a fictional publication. No coaches, players, joggers, or Belgians were harmed in the writing of this article.