England Fans 'Cautiously Optimistic,' Experts Warn This Is the First Stage of Grief
Sports psychologists urge supporters to skip ahead to bargaining, where the views are nicer.
LONDON — A new survey of 2,000 England supporters has found that 78% feel 'cautiously optimistic' ahead of the 2026 World Cup, prompting urgent warnings from sports psychologists across the country.
'Cautious optimism is well-documented as the first stage of footballing grief,' said Dr. Eleanor Crumbleton of the National Institute for Football-Related Heartbreak. 'It is typically followed by mild dread, denial, a brief sing-along of *Three Lions*, and then a man named Gary throwing a kebab at a bus stop.'
Pubs across the country have already begun pre-emptively stockpiling pint glasses, English flags, and the specific kind of hope that only England fans can manufacture: heavy, brittle, and reusable for exactly one tournament before it shatters.
Manager comments have done little to reassure observers. 'We've got a great group of lads,' the manager said, a phrase that has historically preceded 47% of all England penalty shootout defeats.
Asked when supporters should escalate to full despair, Dr. Crumbleton replied: 'Quarterfinals. Possibly the group stage. Honestly, set a reminder.'
Satire. The Pitch Onion is a fictional publication. No coaches, players, joggers, or Belgians were harmed in the writing of this article.